You Don’t Have To Be MRD To Skate Here

Back in the 1990s, there was an episode of the TV show ‘Fantasy Football’ in which the guest was Zoe Ball. Asked about which football team she supported, I remember that Ms Ball replied something like that she had been a Chelsea fan but might switch to Manchester United. ‘Can I do that?’ she asked the presenter Frank Skinner, who replied something along the lines of ‘this is why women should not take an interest in football’.

Sexism aside, does this loyalty in football also apply to roller derby? Can you change your roller derby team without fear of condemnation? I have, of course, had a long history of respect for the skating abilities of those involved in the world of roller derby in Bridgend and the surrounding area.

I have now performed my tribute song to Bridgend Roller Derby team in public and none of the women’s team attended, despite a concerted bit of Facebook and Twitter nagging. I was disappointed by this, but even then would have stayed true to the lyric ‘I support Bridgend in roller derby (and also in any fight)’ right up until the point where I was asked if I wanted to see the first competitive skate by Merthyr Roller Derby. I have, of course, had a long history of respect for the skating abilities of many involved in the world of roller derby in Merythyr etc...

This was how I came to find myself driving to Merthyr Tydfil on a Saturday just before Christmas. That last detail is important because I initially messed up my directions and ended up in a B&Q in Merthyr, where I bought a Christmas tree. I had driven past Merthyr Leisure Centre, where the team were playing and where I had once parked so I could change clothes for a date in the pub opposite. Luckily there was no taking my clothes off in the back of a car required to be involved in this day’s adventures.

Or so I thought ...

I arrived at the Leisure Centre pretty much bang on three o’clock. I had been told that it started at three and so, despite accidentally buying a Christmas tree on the way, I aimed to be there on time. I walked in and was greeted with the note that I am always early to roller derby. I suppose that this is true, but when you are told it starts at three, you arrive at three. It worries me more that I am usually there before the team. For reference, my lack of balance put paid to any hopes of a skating career years ago.

As I once noted with BRD, the joy of arriving early is that you become part of the set-up and this time I had a chance to help fix the scoring screen to the wall. This was a vital bit of equipment as knowing what the score is can seriously improve the viewing experience. That may sound obvious, but it may not be initially clear who is winning, who is scoring and really what is going on.

While helping with the set-up, I noticed that the programme listed events from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. ... this was a Sevens tournament, which makes it very good value for money, but also a long day. Having not had lunch, I started to ponder what I was going to eat. More on that in a few paragraphs. All there was to do for the moment was to move tables, climb ladders and ponder where the track would be laid out. Before you know where the track will be, you cannot know where the seats will be, the stalls will be ... anything will be, basically.

The significance of the Sevens tournament was that there were six teams, all of whom would play each other until there could be play-offs to decide which team was the best. These teams were drawn from across south-east Wales and south-west England. Bath, Somerset, Merthyr ... no, not Bridgend ... and ... err ... ‘Newportalbot’. This sounds like a great idea and probably does represent the merger of two teams, but it is a horror to pronounce. You see, Welsh people do not say ‘Port Talbot’, they say either ‘P’talbot’ or ‘Por’talbot’ if they are being posh. However, everyone pronounces the ‘port’ in ‘Newport’ so ‘Newportalbot’ ends up becoming ‘Newport Albert’.

There was a commentator this time and she kept the crowd informed of what was going on and noticeably struggled with the first attempt at Newportalbot too. There was also a wondrous invention among the stalls – a ‘toast stand’. Having mentioned my missed lunch before, I was relieved to find a stall where you could make your own toast (and/or hot drink). Which sporting event would not be improved by a DIY toast stall? The only thing missing was an in-joke in which someone stood behind the stall with a star on their helmet and offered to spread the condiments for you – that would be the jammer. If she offered you a particular sugary type of spread, then it could be a ‘power jam’. I apologise to the non-skaters for those comments, I apologise to the skaters for those comments.

Such thoughts of lunch were soon put aside as the skating got underway. Some of the matches were not even and some were very close. Bath clearly had a strong team and Merthyr were battling for every point. There was, as ever, some extraordinary skating. The best jammers (for the uninitiated, the team member who has to skate past the opposing team to score points) seem to be dancing rather than skating. There were some excellent examples of jammers who could jump over a challenge while also turning around the bend and those who could rise up on the stops of their skates and seemingly dance over each challenge and skate on past.

It becomes clear in a tournament how much an excellent jammer can make the difference. There were several points where a jammer went past all the opposing team and scored five points, then rounded the track and did it again, then again, once more ... and suddenly there were another twenty points on the board. All the team have to perform for a team victory of course, but I was really aware of how a skilled jammer can be such a weapon in demoralising the other team as the game is taken away from them in a short stretch of play.

So we had teams from south-east Wales, we had teams from the West Country of England and we had ... Team Unicorn. As far as I know, there is no town called Unicorn in either area and so I was intrigued as to who they were. I had really hoped that they would be wearing spikes on their helmets – even soft ones – but sadly this was not the case (I was later told that this had been suggested but ruled illegal).

However, I soon realised that i recognised one of Team Unicorn from Bridgend and so I took the chance to have a word with her during a break in play. Apparently, Team Unicorn are drawn from other teams and they are there to make up the numbers whenever a tournament is short of a team. They had just come back from a stint doing this in a competition in Gran Canaria. The month before they had been in Oslo. I know what you are thinking, what Team Unicorn desperately need is a blogger (one whose expenses bill they should pay too).

Bath were clear runaway leaders from quite early on but several of the other teams were very closely matched. Merthyr got into their stride more as the competition went on and there was one particular match where the lead went back and forth between teams and Merthyr did really win it with the last play of the game.

However, even a Sevens tournament must come to an end and it was finally time to pack up and go and get some lunch – it was past 9 p.m by now, after all. I was kindly invited to share the celebrations in the pub opposite but given the hour, the need for lunch and the fact that when I last went to that pub they served me coffee without milk, sugar or indeed coffee (they were a bit short on ingredients to say the least), I decided to call it a night. There was only the raffle left to check.

I never win raffles, possibly because I never enter raffles but I had forgotten this and bought a raffle ticket earlier in the day. Would you believe I had won a small bottle? Yet, I was also only one ticket away from winning a poster that said, “I am woman – hear me roar!” which I think would have looked both tasteful and confusing in my bedroom at home.

Now, I am not saying that my allegiance to a roller derby team can be bought, but anyone who is providing a toast station need only get in touch ...